I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
