how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i will never coherently bang her
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
