I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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