this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
