There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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