Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
