I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
