Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
