I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
