twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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