so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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