I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
