i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
