ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
