yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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