accomplished twins. life is a go
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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