i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
