DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
