My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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