I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
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I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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