ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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