it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
