WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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