I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
