Little spoons don't ask big questions
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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