She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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