matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
