I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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