I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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