I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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