I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
