Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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