Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
