i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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