I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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