the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
