i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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