And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
