Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
