What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
