my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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