I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
