if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
