ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
