You just made me feel so damn special
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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