i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
