So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
