i need an iv and a liver transplant
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
