I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
