The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
