idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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