So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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