Are we in a gay sports bar?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
