new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
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Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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