last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
