Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Terrible idea I love it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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