So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
