Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
